Auditions

BLUE GIRL:

A blue-blooded fashion model. Sophisticated, poised, and cool. She is vain and not particularly friendly. Vocal range top: F5. Vocal range bottom: F3.

BLUE GIRL SIDE:

Dear Gwendolyn Holmes, I have the most wonderful beau. He’s has what every girl looks for in a man – incredibly wealthy parents. He is also very much in love with me. This is understandable as I am absolutely gorgeous. Unfortunately, I am not in love with him. We kiss and nothing happens. Nothing happened with my last beau either. Or the one before that, or the one before that. There must be something terribly, terribly wrong with me. Yours truly, Confused in Chelmsford.

(V.O.)

Dear Confused in Chelmsford, there’s nothing wrong with you that can’t be cured with a pedicure.

(BLUE looks at her feet.)

(V.O.) As for kissing, if God had wanted us to have two tongues in our mouths, we’d have been born that way. Still nature dictates that men and women “co-mingle” on occasion. Grin and bear it. And remember, if you’re still unsatisfied, you can find solace in the company of other women.

(BLUE is perplexed)

BLUE GIRL AUDITION SONG:

Don’t Sleep in the Subway by Petula Clark

YELLOW GIRL:

A loud, uninhibited American girl driven by her emotions. She is a ray of sunshine with a surprising vulnerability. Possesses a big, rock diva belt. Vocal range top: E5. Vocal range bottom: F3.

YELLOW GIRL SIDE:

Come on, baby, ya gotta come out sometime.

(SHE lowers the binoculars and addresses the audience)

I came all the way from Cincinnati just to get a look at Paul McCartney. I’ve spent the past three weeks hiding behind this maple tree staking out his house. So far, he hasn’t come out once.

(Looking thru the binoculars again)

Don’t you think that’s weird? Hold the phone, there he is. What’s he doing? Oh. My…God…He’s taking out the garbage. Isn’t that the absolute end? Paul McCartney taking out the garbage.

(Putting the binoculars down)

Don’t they have Ringo to do that?

(SFX: crazed fans screaming)

Hold the phone, where did all these girls come from? They’ve all been waiting behind maple trees just stalking him. Well, that’s just sick! Wait, they’re going after his garbage! Oh, no you don’t!!

(Running off)

YELLOW GIRL AUDITION SONG:

Son of a Preacher Man by Dusty Springfield

ORANGE GIRL:

The “mother” of the group. Domestic and maternal, she is wise, soulful, and mature. Slowly asserting her new-found independence. Vocal range top: B5. Vocal range bottom: F3.

ORANGE GIRL SIDE:

Dear Gwendolyn Holmes, I met a wonderful man. His name is Miles. We met at a discotheque. When the Dave Clark Five played “Anyway You Want It,” we both began to froog. I love to froog, and nobody frogs like Miles. He’s so free with his body. If not for his teeth, you’d never know he was British. Now he says he wants to marry me. I love him, yet I have this uneasy feeling that it’s all too good to be true. Should I trust this feeling or throw caution to the wind and accept? Someone in Guildford.

ORANGE GIRL AUDITION SONG:

I Only Want To be with You by Dusty Springfield

GREEN GIRL:

A good-time girl. Blousy, middle-class, and zany. She is a bit frayed at the edges, and hopelessly single. A comedian of sorts. Vocal range top: F5. Vocal range bottom: F3.

GREEN GIRL SIDE:

(Reading Shout! magazine.)

According to this survey, “73% of women experience some form of anxiety when severing relations with men.”

(SHE laughs and tosses magazine aside.)

I don’t care what the studies say; breaking up is NOT hard to do. I do it all the time. The trick is knowing what method to use on what bloke. If ‘e’s the Cambridge and Oxford type, be rational.

(Sweetly.)

“It’s not you, love. It’s me. You’re port wine and pâté, and I’m meat pies and ale. It would never work. No. Don’t speak. Just go.”

(SFX: door slam. SHE speaks normally again)

See what I mean? But if ‘e’s one of those East End blokes, an all-out attack works best.

(Hysterical.)

“You’re shaggin that tart, aren’t you?

(SHE mimes throwing something. SFX: crashing sound.)

Don’t you lie to me! I saw you give ‘er the eye!

(SHE mimes 2 more throws. SFX: two more crashes.)

I can’t take this anymore! It’s tearing me apart!”

(SFX: door slams. SHE speaks normally again.)

And he’s out the door before the poor blighter knows what ‘it ‘im.

(SHE mimes tossing 1 final thing. SFX: crashing sound.)

Now, breaking up with one of those sweet, sensitive chaps is a bit trickier. It’s best to just come right out with it and lie.

(Melodramatic.)

The doctor

(Big cough)

says six months at most.

(SHE coughs.)

It’ll be a painful, messy, messy death. I couldn’t put you through it. (Coughs up ‘phlegm’ into her hands and shows it to her ‘boyfriend’)

Pray for me.

(SFX: door slam.)

Oh, and if ‘e’s American, just get fat. ‘E’ll break up with you. (GREEN shrugs and exits)

GREEN GIRL AUDITION SONG:

One Two Three by Cilla Black

RED GIRL:

The “baby” of the group, she is an exciting blend of youthful contradictions. Quirky, enthusiastic, and naïve. A hopeless romantic who is insecure about her looks. Vocal range top: G. Vocal range bottom: F3.

RED GIRL SIDE:

My most embarrassing moment. It never would have happened, but my boyfriend, Edward, wouldn’t… get cozy… if you know what I mean. But I knew he was obsessed with Petula Clark, of all people. And I thought, “Any girl with four years of parochial school choir could do what she does.” So I went down to the Leeds Civic Auditorium and auditioned for their amateur talent night with my rendition of “Downtown” – and I got in! “Stuff Edward,” I thought, “I’m going to be a pop- star!” So, I put on a Dynel wig like Lulu, white lipstick like Dusty, and stuffed my brassiere with tissues like Marianne Faithful. I was so nervous I had to make a quick trip into the ladies. And as I was finishing up, they started banging on the door! “I was on!” And before you could say “Bob’s your uncle”, I was standing center stage and the band began to play… (sings)

WHEN YOU’RE ALONE

AND LIFE IS MAKING YOU LONELY YOU CAN ALWAYS GO….

ALWAYS GO…

It was the title of the bloody song and I just stood there like a prat! The audience started to laugh, which made me cry — Maybelline was dripping down me chin. I had to take the tissues out of my brassiere to wipe the tears. It was so embarrassing and that’s when I felt Edward take me by the hand and lead me off into the wings. He lifted my chin, looked into my eyes and said, “The back of your dress is tucked into your panty hose.” And then he kissed me. And then he kissed me again. And we’ve been “getting cozy” ever since.

RED GIRL AUDITION SONG:

How Can You Tell by Sandy Shaw